


If Arbitrary Hatreds Based on Colors Make You Feel at  Home I Guess Sure

by maypop



Series: Hogwarts Drabbles [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-06
Updated: 2011-08-06
Packaged: 2017-10-22 07:26:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/235467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maypop/pseuds/maypop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hogwarts AU drabble number two. The start of Sorting, for some reason.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Arbitrary Hatreds Based on Colors Make You Feel at  Home I Guess Sure

There weren't enough of them to make Sorting anything more than a wardrobe choice, but the teaching staff decided pointlessly divisive stupidity was exactly the thing to take their minds off slaughter. Dave would come to learn that pointlessly divisive stupidity was the lifeblood* of troll society, so it wasn't a completely horrible idea.

Rose patched a tear on the hat (best not to think how it got there) with suspiciously partisan blue thread, and then they were ready to get mad nostalgic up in this bitch***. Actually, then there was a tense shoving match, loads of awkward dancing around trying not to hang the Hat on anyone's horns (John "What's an erogenous zone" Egbert, who could occasionally be a painful twerp, actually kept his brochure), and then--

"Good job breaking it, Lalonde," Dave said, after the hat sat in silence on its first troll head for a full five minutes.

"This is laaaaaaaame," the troll girl whined, and stuck her hands against her forehead. A look of intense concentration (unless that was how trolls expressed joy or regret or heart stricken mourning, who knew) crossed her face.

"--Oh, sorry," the hat said, making everyone jump. It chuckled. "Don't get to see much new territory, as a hat! To get down to business, I think even attempting mind control on a piece of leather makes you a _SLYTHERIN_!"

"Oh good, what's that when it isn't a spectacularly stupid made up word for human wigglers," a troll guy said, who had been PERFECTLY DESCRIBED BY THE SUPERIOR HOUSE OF _MYTHICAL BEAST PORTMANTEAU_ THANKS BUT LET'S JUST SUBJUGATE OUR ANCIENT CULTURE TO PLAY NICE WITH A BUNCH OF UGLY PINK CROSSES BETWEEN MONKEYS AND GRUBWORMS, WHO WE FUCKING OUTNUMBER, BY THE WAY, THAT SOUNDS LIKE HOW I WANT TO SPEND MY LAST DAYS ON THE PLANET.

“Is it necessary to shout,” another troll girl said, and no one was sure if she addressed the troll or the Hat.

 

*Dave has nightmares sometimes where shamefully obvious puns like that actually come out of his mouth, and everyone stares and stares, and he wakes up sweating and spends the half hour until breakfast being so defensively obscure that some troll jackass in Hufflepuff** once cursed him with citations. The fact that he’s not wearing pants is pretty much the only thing that makes that dream tolerable.  
**Kanaya Maryam.  
***this bitch: a nondescript stone room, with a couple scarred wooden tables, one now broken, with obnoxious wizard party decorations sneezed all over it. A streamer that doesn't move is a problem enough. The great hall was too great for their diminished numbers, it was impossible not to whisper, and feel your voice's echoes like a slap.


End file.
